2006-04-29 - 7:31 p.m.
i scare myself sometimes...
i try so hard to be so perfect... i try not to be my father. i try not to accept my flaws.
and then they hit me.
it takes several things... one thing i can handle... two i can take... but add in several factors and i start to crack...
then i add alcohol.
this has been a problem... always. i turn into someone who is not me... someone who is a demonic version of me. no sense, no responsibility, no thought of repercussions.
that person scares me.
and each time i see that person come out, once i have my mind back... i regret it.
i beat myself up.
for days and days and days.
i wonder how anyone can love me... when i don't feel that for myself.
i wonder how i can be who i need to be... when i let myself fail so thoroughly.
i wonder when i'll stop hitting myself. leaving my psyche alone to heal.
i drank too much the other night. i lost control. demon me came out.
looking back at it now, it's scary. i have no idea how i got home... i remember little flashes... i remember puking... i remember taking buses i had no idea where they went...
all just trying to get home.
that scares me.
i don't like not having control.
even worse... i don't like disappointing my love...
i've learned something from this last week. i can't let stress get to me like that. i can never again see that look of disappointment in her eyes.
and i have to stop beating myself up about it.
